I have been stopping the World's Strongest Librarian lately and have really enjoyed what Josh Hanagarne has been posting. I am happy to have Chew the Fat's first official guest post authored by him. Thank you Josh. Enjoy.
Three Things I Did Not Learn In Middle School
Middle School was a strange time for me. Well, it was a strange time in a lot of ways. I remember being really stressed out because I could never figure out how to peg my pants correctly. If you missed the pegging wave, that was when you rolled up the bottoms of your pants so tightly that the circulation to your feet vanished and your purple feet nearly fell off. But it was soooooo cool.
This was also the year of MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice. I listened to nothing but these two titans of music for about two years straight. Well, that and Achy Breaky Heart, but that was only because the bus driver refused to play anything else. We all had our sick addictions. One good thing about Hammer was that he led me to those giant baggy pants with the elastic bottoms. This took the pressure of learning how to peg my pants away.
I was fortunate enough to have wonderful teachers. I loved almost every one of them, but I’ve always been the sort of egghead teachers love. I asked good questions, I did my homework on time and had good manners.
They tried to teach me everything they could. Unfortunately, here are a few lessons I did not learn from them:
1. Sleeping in class is awesome
I wanted so badly to be a cool kid. But at the same time I wanted to be a good kid—the kind that teachers love. But at the same time I wanted to be cool, and all the cool kids slept through class. Once in a while I’d put my head down and try to take a nap, but my conscience always got the best of me and I’d sit up and redouble my efforts to be a goody-goody.
But there were those occasional long nights of Nintendo that wore me out for the next day. The one time I remember falling asleep in class was a disaster. My big purple MC Hammer pants were spacious and billowy. This was good in that I could have broken comfortably into a dance solo at any moment.
It was bad when I fell asleep, had some sort of spicy dream, and woke up to a storm of laughter. What was so funny? Well, nothing…except the silly little erection I was sporting. Normal pants would have held it down and nobody would have been the wiser.
But it was Hammertime! Who could deny the allure of Hammertime?
I couldn’t. I paid the price. That was one lesson my teacher couldn’t teach me, but the students did it for him.
2. Girls and boys are equals
P.E. class was hilarious. Physical education meant very different things. There were two classes – one for boys and one for girls. Shall I tell you the activities in the boy’s class?
I shall: we played basketball, dodge ball, football, and a deliriously wonderful and terrifying game called War Ball. War Ball was dodge ball but with football helmets. You could throw tennis balls, footballs, and of course, the boring old red rubber dodge balls. But it was way scarier and more fun to hit someone with a tennis ball.
On the other side of the gym, the girls practiced scarf juggling and jump rope. They would choreograph routines to that “I’ve Got The Power” song. Yep. Juggling scarves and jumping rope. To music that wasn’t even Vanilla Ice. They would look over at us and I knew that they all wanted to come throw tennis balls at each other. But they didn’t get to.
Whoever told you that males and females are equal never got a look at the Physical Education programs in Elko, Nevada.
3. Book lovers are sexy
Even before the unfortunate incident with the purple pants, my growing interest in girls was impossible to ignore. I wanted a girlfriend badly. I didn’t even know why, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t true.
When it got cold, I wore a huge black coat that went down to my knees. The brand was Triple Fat Goose and it had about a billion pockets. At any moment, those pockets each held between one and three paperback novels. I could not get enough books to satisfy me. This did little to endear me to my peers, most of whom like to break glass for fun.
Never once did a cute girl say, “I noticed that you have 10 books in your coat. I think that’s dashing. Let’s go kiss.”
I know what you’re thinking…their loss, right?
It’s not true for everyone, but some people find knowledge very attractive. I learned that lesson much later, but I got no play in Middle School.
Josh Hanagarne
Get Stronger, Get Smarter, Live Better…Every Day
About the Author: Josh Hanagarne is the twitchy giant behind World’s Strongest Librarian, a blog with advice about living with Tourette’s Syndrome, book recommendations, buying pants when you’re 6’8”, kettlebells, old-time strongman training, and much more. Please subscribe to Josh’s RSS Updates to stay in touch.
If you're a newer blogger or any blogger for that matter I'd be happy to post some of your work here. I would also love to send a guest post your way. Just drop me a line and we'll talk.
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